The way we talk to ourselves when something goes wrong often says a lot about where we come from. In this video and article, I want to talk about shame-based thinking, and how stressful childhood experiences can shape the way we see ourselves, including the ways we may shame ourselves as adults.
What is shame-based thinking?
Shame-based thinking happens when we start to connect our experiences, mistakes or perceived shortcomings to our overall sense of self-worth. Instead of seeing a mistake as something we did, we begin to see it as something we are.
- Instead of “I made a mistake,” we may label ourselves: “I’m a failure.”
- Instead of “Someone is disappointed in me,” we may believe: “I’m not good enough.”
The difference may seem small, but it matters. A mistake is something we can learn from and repair. A label like “failure” feels permanent, and it can colour how we approach everything that comes after.
How childhood stress can turn into shame
Many of us learn to shame ourselves in different ways, or go through experiences that affect how we see ourselves. For some people, stressful childhood experiences play a big part, especially ones involving neglect, conflict or long-term stress.
Part of the reason is that, as children, we don’t always have the ability to fully understand or make sense of what is happening around us. So we may begin to internalize it. We may read other people’s behaviour, like a parent’s anger, distance or disappointment, as a reflection of our own worth, rather than as something about their situation.
How these beliefs can follow us into adulthood
Over time, some of these beliefs may stay with us. As adults, we may still label ourselves in negative ways and say things to ourselves like:
“I’m not important.” “I’m a burden.” “Something is wrong with me.”
These beliefs can quietly influence how we respond to mistakes, relationships, stress and other difficult experiences. Someone who believes they are a burden may avoid asking for help. Someone who believes something is wrong with them may take small setbacks as proof of it.
One helpful technique: notice when you’re self-labelling
A good place to start is simply noticing when you are labelling yourself. The next time you go through something difficult, ask yourself:
Am I describing the experience, or am I letting it define my identity?
“I didn’t do well on that presentation” describes an experience. “I’m useless” turns that experience into an identity. Catching the difference, and gently bringing yourself back to describing what happened, is a small but meaningful step toward a kinder relationship with yourself.
When counselling can help
Shame-based beliefs that started in childhood can run deep, and they’re not always easy to shift on your own. In counselling, we can explore where these beliefs came from and work on building a healthier sense of self-worth, using approaches such as Inner Child Therapy, EMDR Therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).
